No, it doesn’t. [Her words are simple, but she gives him a gentle smile at the understanding, grateful for not having to deal with platitudes and pity. He’s easy to talk to, and she doesn’t mind the conversation has gotten a little more depressed than intended.]
Does talking about them help though? For so long I was angry, and it fueled so much of what I did. Now? I think they call it ‘survivor’s guilt’. [At least with Pietro.]
But then maybe it has made me stronger. [The twins are the only two to survive Striker’s experiments after all. And even after Pietro’s death, Wanda has grown exponentially in her abilities because who else can simultaneously destroy one stone while fending off five others.]
There's a lot of things he could say, but none of them are all that helpful in the long-run, just empty promises that ultimately aren't the least bit true.]
It does. Helps get some of the anger out.
[He doesn't respond right away, but eventually he nods.]
Survivor's guilt. Yeah. Back in the war, it was considered a weakness of character. A man losing his nerve, not something psychologically wrong with 'im. "Survivor's guilt" and "post-traumatic stress" makes it sound a lot less like blaming the person for not being strong enough.
[She listens with a nod.] You can't blame a person for just trying to survive. Some of us don't have the luxury of being able to live. We just survive.
[She still feels like she's living it, though since the Avengers have been disbanded, settling into a real life hasn't been the easiest. Isolation comes more naturally, and it doesn't help that there is still a lot of tension.]
[Wanda has always been an affectionate person, used to always having Pietro around. She doesn’t think about it before gently reaching out to touch his arm. It’s hard not to reach out in other ways, especially when she can sense how much he’s suffered.]
It is. [She agrees quietly, looking back at him.]
But you shouldn’t think about what other people think. It is incredibly hard to do, but you’ve come through so much, Bucky. No one would dare to think you are weak, because you are not. [Even if technically the things he’s done, he’s done as a weapon, as Winter Soldier. Still he’s anything but weak. And Wanda can relate to that sort of fear. It’s ironic though, given her own abilities.]
[He smiles, letting her touch him. He doesn't tense, doesn't look like he's bothered by the touch. Bucky is getting betters in a lot of ways, in not tensing whenever someone reaches out to touch him, or gets too close to him.
He smiles at her words, nodding.]
Yeah. Anyone who says otherwise isn't worth my time.
[She takes a slow breath in and another drink before needing to refill her own glass.]
It is easier to remember that when one isn’t constantly in the news and fighting the world’s biggest problems. [Perhaps the only good thing to come about the Avengers being disbanded.]
Seems to be more good days than bad. [Like today.]
[She attempts a smile, but it still hurts, blaming herself for losing her brother and her country. If they hadn't been manipulated by Ultron maybe she would still have both. Wanda isn't sure what to say back to him, but it means a lot he's said something.]
[She exhales slowly out through her nose and gives him a sympathizing look, knowing how hard it is to lose family.]
I am sorry for your loss, too. It is never easy to lose family. [And it seems they have even more in common than previously guessed.]
I try and think that Pietro would want me smiling. He would say-- [She lowers her voice to mimic her brother's.] Wanda, there are more important things to do.
[Bucky smiles at her. It's a sad smile, one of understanding.]
They'd both want us to be happy, I know that much. I don't have to have met your brother to know that.
[Especially considering how close the two of them must have been, much closer than Bucky and Becca could have been, considering Becca had gone to live with her grandparents after the death of their parents.]
Figuring out what to do with yourself is always something of an uphill struggle.
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...I'm sorry.
[He takes a deep drink of his own.]
I lost a lot of friends in Azzano, I know how... it never gets any easier.
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Does talking about them help though? For so long I was angry, and it fueled so much of what I did. Now? I think they call it ‘survivor’s guilt’. [At least with Pietro.]
But then maybe it has made me stronger. [The twins are the only two to survive Striker’s experiments after all. And even after Pietro’s death, Wanda has grown exponentially in her abilities
because who else can simultaneously destroy one stone while fending off five others.]no subject
There's a lot of things he could say, but none of them are all that helpful in the long-run, just empty promises that ultimately aren't the least bit true.]
It does. Helps get some of the anger out.
[He doesn't respond right away, but eventually he nods.]
Survivor's guilt. Yeah. Back in the war, it was considered a weakness of character. A man losing his nerve, not something psychologically wrong with 'im. "Survivor's guilt" and "post-traumatic stress" makes it sound a lot less like blaming the person for not being strong enough.
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[She still feels like she's living it, though since the Avengers have been disbanded, settling into a real life hasn't been the easiest. Isolation comes more naturally, and it doesn't help that there is still a lot of tension.]
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[He sighs.]
It's a lot of bullshit.
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It is. [She agrees quietly, looking back at him.]
But you shouldn’t think about what other people think. It is incredibly hard to do, but you’ve come through so much, Bucky. No one would dare to think you are weak, because you are not. [Even if technically the things he’s done, he’s done as a weapon, as Winter Soldier. Still he’s anything but weak. And Wanda can relate to that sort of fear. It’s ironic though, given her own abilities.]
You are survivor, too.
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He smiles at her words, nodding.]
Yeah. Anyone who says otherwise isn't worth my time.
The same goes for you, Wanda.
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Some days are harder to remember that, but I try.
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[And he does. He seems to be thinking about what to say next as his shoulders droop in relaxation, but eventually Bucky speaks up again.]
It's one of those one day at a time things. Some days are a lot better than others.
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It is easier to remember that when one isn’t constantly in the news and fighting the world’s biggest problems. [Perhaps the only good thing to come about the Avengers being disbanded.]
Seems to be more good days than bad. [Like today.]
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[Doesn't he know everything about that, being the Winter Soldier.
He gives a good-natured laugh at the comment.]
You'd be surprised, it's a lot of bad days. But I try not to let it control me. If I do, I sink into a bad place very rapidly.
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Believe me, today is one of the good ones.
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Good. I am glad. We deserve it.
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We do.
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So what are you doing now?
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As wealthy as the country is, they've still got to do their fair share of farming. It's not easy work, but I like doing it.
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Do you miss your home at all?
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Yeah. All the time.
I can't go back, you know? Nothing looks the same. My old home, the place where Steve and I lived, it's a Walmart now.
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My home is rubble. [Wanda can relate. It's apparent in the half smile. All of Sokovia is gone now..]
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[He didn't have anything to do with it, but just the very idea of it is beyond terrible.]
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I lost my brother that day, too. He was my twin.
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I had a sister, a younger sister. Becca. When I... was myself again, I went looking for her, to see if she was still alive.
[Bucky sighs.]
She died seven years ago.
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I am sorry for your loss, too. It is never easy to lose family. [And it seems they have even more in common than previously guessed.]
I try and think that Pietro would want me smiling. He would say-- [She lowers her voice to mimic her brother's.] Wanda, there are more important things to do.
He did not like to see me upset.
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They'd both want us to be happy, I know that much. I don't have to have met your brother to know that.
[Especially considering how close the two of them must have been, much closer than Bucky and Becca could have been, considering Becca had gone to live with her grandparents after the death of their parents.]
Figuring out what to do with yourself is always something of an uphill struggle.
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