[He gestures with the glass for emphasis, even if it doesn't appear to mean something specific.]
It took some getting used to. The 40s were a different culture; things like this weren't talked about. But the person Shuri set me up with is good. There's no pressure, no certain thing I'm supposed to talk about. It's all on my terms, no one else's.
A lot different than now. Some things still stay the same, of course, but the culture is a lot different. You'd never'a been able to express yourself the way people can these days.
[He means sexuality-wise, but he's still a little too conservative to come right out and say it, even if he does welcome the change.]
Oh, an' 'cause it was during the War, pretty much everything was rationed. Water, meat, gasoline... it was rough, even before I was shipped out. I felt guilty leavin' Steve in Brooklyn, but he was sickly half the time.
We used to get these booklets. They had little stamps in 'em for rationed things. Once they ran out, you had to wait until you got another booklet to get more.
[His head tips.]
What was it like, for you? I can't imagine it was easy.
No. [She shakes her head a little.] My parents would wait in line for food. One corner might be potatoes, another bread. If you waited and they ran out, you did not get food that day.
The worst were the bombs though. [It had always been her biggest motivator.]
It was rough for us, too. It wasn't a good time to get a flat tire; if you did, it meant you were gonna be walking everywhere. Most of the rubber was going into the war.
[He sighs.]
I get the point to them, but it just made it... difficult, when you were livin' day to day.
I can understand that. At the very least your war was for a bigger cause other than corrupt politicians and greedy weapons dealers. [She may not be as bitter and as angry as before, but she was a political protestor before HYDRA.]
America was separated from the war by an ocean for most of it, it wasn't until I ended up on the front that I understood what it must be like for people in the heart of it.
War is terrible, especially when it starts to affect the kids.
[She shifts back in the wooden chair, leaning on the kitchen table. He at least seemed to understand more of her life, and she feels comfortable talking about her past which isn’t exactly cheery conversation material.]
It wasn’t easy, especially after we lost our parents in an air raid. [The ‘we’ slips out like second nature. Pausing, she wonders if he even knows about Pietro. Her face falters. The fact that she hasn’t mentioned Tony’s name is progress, but Pietro’s death still has its affect over her. She takes another drink to calm her nerves, looking down at the dark liquid.]
No, it doesn’t. [Her words are simple, but she gives him a gentle smile at the understanding, grateful for not having to deal with platitudes and pity. He’s easy to talk to, and she doesn’t mind the conversation has gotten a little more depressed than intended.]
Does talking about them help though? For so long I was angry, and it fueled so much of what I did. Now? I think they call it ‘survivor’s guilt’. [At least with Pietro.]
But then maybe it has made me stronger. [The twins are the only two to survive Striker’s experiments after all. And even after Pietro’s death, Wanda has grown exponentially in her abilities because who else can simultaneously destroy one stone while fending off five others.]
There's a lot of things he could say, but none of them are all that helpful in the long-run, just empty promises that ultimately aren't the least bit true.]
It does. Helps get some of the anger out.
[He doesn't respond right away, but eventually he nods.]
Survivor's guilt. Yeah. Back in the war, it was considered a weakness of character. A man losing his nerve, not something psychologically wrong with 'im. "Survivor's guilt" and "post-traumatic stress" makes it sound a lot less like blaming the person for not being strong enough.
[She listens with a nod.] You can't blame a person for just trying to survive. Some of us don't have the luxury of being able to live. We just survive.
[She still feels like she's living it, though since the Avengers have been disbanded, settling into a real life hasn't been the easiest. Isolation comes more naturally, and it doesn't help that there is still a lot of tension.]
[Wanda has always been an affectionate person, used to always having Pietro around. She doesn’t think about it before gently reaching out to touch his arm. It’s hard not to reach out in other ways, especially when she can sense how much he’s suffered.]
It is. [She agrees quietly, looking back at him.]
But you shouldn’t think about what other people think. It is incredibly hard to do, but you’ve come through so much, Bucky. No one would dare to think you are weak, because you are not. [Even if technically the things he’s done, he’s done as a weapon, as Winter Soldier. Still he’s anything but weak. And Wanda can relate to that sort of fear. It’s ironic though, given her own abilities.]
[He smiles, letting her touch him. He doesn't tense, doesn't look like he's bothered by the touch. Bucky is getting betters in a lot of ways, in not tensing whenever someone reaches out to touch him, or gets too close to him.
He smiles at her words, nodding.]
Yeah. Anyone who says otherwise isn't worth my time.
[She takes a slow breath in and another drink before needing to refill her own glass.]
It is easier to remember that when one isn’t constantly in the news and fighting the world’s biggest problems. [Perhaps the only good thing to come about the Avengers being disbanded.]
Seems to be more good days than bad. [Like today.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[He gestures with the glass for emphasis, even if it doesn't appear to mean something specific.]
It took some getting used to. The 40s were a different culture; things like this weren't talked about. But the person Shuri set me up with is good. There's no pressure, no certain thing I'm supposed to talk about. It's all on my terms, no one else's.
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I’m glad to hear it, Bucky. You deserve it. [After everything that has happened, even before the Sokovian Accords.]
What were they like? The 40s?
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[He tips his head thoughtfully.]
A lot different than now. Some things still stay the same, of course, but the culture is a lot different. You'd never'a been able to express yourself the way people can these days.
[He means sexuality-wise, but he's still a little too conservative to come right out and say it, even if he does welcome the change.]
Oh, an' 'cause it was during the War, pretty much everything was rationed. Water, meat, gasoline... it was rough, even before I was shipped out. I felt guilty leavin' Steve in Brooklyn, but he was sickly half the time.
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We may have more in common than you think.
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Wars are still wars.
We used to get these booklets. They had little stamps in 'em for rationed things. Once they ran out, you had to wait until you got another booklet to get more.
[His head tips.]
What was it like, for you? I can't imagine it was easy.
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The worst were the bombs though. [It had always been her biggest motivator.]
The never ending air raids.
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It was rough for us, too. It wasn't a good time to get a flat tire; if you did, it meant you were gonna be walking everywhere. Most of the rubber was going into the war.
[He sighs.]
I get the point to them, but it just made it... difficult, when you were livin' day to day.
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Most of my life was just living day to day.
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America was separated from the war by an ocean for most of it, it wasn't until I ended up on the front that I understood what it must be like for people in the heart of it.
War is terrible, especially when it starts to affect the kids.
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It wasn’t easy, especially after we lost our parents in an air raid. [The ‘we’ slips out like second nature. Pausing, she wonders if he even knows about Pietro. Her face falters. The fact that she hasn’t mentioned Tony’s name is progress, but Pietro’s death still has its affect over her. She takes another drink to calm her nerves, looking down at the dark liquid.]
I was very angry for a long time.
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...I'm sorry.
[He takes a deep drink of his own.]
I lost a lot of friends in Azzano, I know how... it never gets any easier.
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Does talking about them help though? For so long I was angry, and it fueled so much of what I did. Now? I think they call it ‘survivor’s guilt’. [At least with Pietro.]
But then maybe it has made me stronger. [The twins are the only two to survive Striker’s experiments after all. And even after Pietro’s death, Wanda has grown exponentially in her abilities
because who else can simultaneously destroy one stone while fending off five others.]no subject
There's a lot of things he could say, but none of them are all that helpful in the long-run, just empty promises that ultimately aren't the least bit true.]
It does. Helps get some of the anger out.
[He doesn't respond right away, but eventually he nods.]
Survivor's guilt. Yeah. Back in the war, it was considered a weakness of character. A man losing his nerve, not something psychologically wrong with 'im. "Survivor's guilt" and "post-traumatic stress" makes it sound a lot less like blaming the person for not being strong enough.
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[She still feels like she's living it, though since the Avengers have been disbanded, settling into a real life hasn't been the easiest. Isolation comes more naturally, and it doesn't help that there is still a lot of tension.]
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[He sighs.]
It's a lot of bullshit.
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It is. [She agrees quietly, looking back at him.]
But you shouldn’t think about what other people think. It is incredibly hard to do, but you’ve come through so much, Bucky. No one would dare to think you are weak, because you are not. [Even if technically the things he’s done, he’s done as a weapon, as Winter Soldier. Still he’s anything but weak. And Wanda can relate to that sort of fear. It’s ironic though, given her own abilities.]
You are survivor, too.
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He smiles at her words, nodding.]
Yeah. Anyone who says otherwise isn't worth my time.
The same goes for you, Wanda.
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Some days are harder to remember that, but I try.
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[And he does. He seems to be thinking about what to say next as his shoulders droop in relaxation, but eventually Bucky speaks up again.]
It's one of those one day at a time things. Some days are a lot better than others.
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It is easier to remember that when one isn’t constantly in the news and fighting the world’s biggest problems. [Perhaps the only good thing to come about the Avengers being disbanded.]
Seems to be more good days than bad. [Like today.]
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[Doesn't he know everything about that, being the Winter Soldier.
He gives a good-natured laugh at the comment.]
You'd be surprised, it's a lot of bad days. But I try not to let it control me. If I do, I sink into a bad place very rapidly.
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Believe me, today is one of the good ones.
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Good. I am glad. We deserve it.
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We do.
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